I Don't Know How to Name this Blog Post

I don't know the best title for this most, mainly because I don't know how to articulate what I'm feeling right now.

I got home 30 minutes ago. And I'm ready to hit the sack. But I need to articulate what I feel, so I'm trying to muster the strength to write.

It feels like a long day, even if I didn't go to work. I practically spent the whole afternoon and some part of the evening at the hospital -- talking to doctors, but mostly waiting. I was able to tuck in some work and business stuff, but with all the walking around from clinic to clinic, that's actually not that much. I'm grateful at least that Medical City, being (still) fairly new was a comfy enough hospital to hang out in.

I was also lucky to have found my HMO card in one of the envelopes in my room. The checkups wouldn't have to be so costly this way. Picking out the doctors though is a lot like digging in a bag of jelly beans -- you're not quite sure how good the one you got is.

Another lucky strike for me -- it turns out that Dr. Asedillo is an Orthopedic Surgeon who specialized in joint problems. I overheard that he also taught in med school, and his inclination for teaching was quite evident in how he explained my condition, diagrams and all.

He confirmed that I did have bone spurs, but corrected the notion that these were causing the pain. He explained that I could have had some torn tissue and that caused the bone to cement itself, or add protection, thus the outgrowth.

He said that I had 2 concerns -- plantar fasciitis and peroneal tendonitis. Several reasons could be aggravating my condition: using the wrong shoes, my weight and being a heel striker. All 3 of course could be corrected, but would likely take time. In the interim though, I was advised to take some meds, go for PT 3x a week for the next 2 weeks, and to lay off the running. :(

I was such a nerd that I brought my rubber shoes during my consult. I got the biggest surprise when he told me, by looking at the wear pattern of my soles that I had the tendency to underpronate/supinate. Damn. I've been wearing rubber shoes specifically designed for people who overpronate for the last 9 or 10 months. I even remember the time I took the running test to check for my gait. Urg.

Doc said that I could run again after the PT. I breathed a sigh of relief.

That didn't last long though. The rehab med doctor I saw after wasn't as comforting. He told me that the spurs would never go away and that at best, they could strengthen my feet through therapy, which hopefully will minimize the pain. I could try running after the PT, once the pain goes away. But if it returns, it might be best for me to lay off running all together. :(

He also said that I had a quite high arch, which was contrary to what the running machines said. Howell. I guess it's best to trust the doctors.

I might really have been wearing the wrong pair all along. Hay. I should have learned more of the theory last year when I was starting.

While I know that there is definitely a silver lining somewhere (being forced to learn how to bike and swim for instance), I feel... bad? sad? It might seem weird for a non-athlete to feel this kind of a loss. (I can only imagine how devastated real athletes feel when they're sidelined.)

It feels stupid to have signed up for all these races and not be able to run. (I wonder if I can change distances. Ang yabang kasi e.)

Running is good pain medication. It's been the me-time I could have under my own terms. It's indulgence I could justify and not feel guilty about. Howell. Damn. I just have to be a big kid and hold out for now while I can't have it.

How I wish the anchor wasn't so far away. Would have been comforting to talk this out. Eyes blinking furiously now.

Howell. I hope all goes well. Maybe this is just God's way of telling me that I now have the chance to learn how to run properly.

I'm going to sleep this off. I'd be better in the morning. With everything that's going on, the earliest time for my 1st PT session is next Sunday, first thing in the morning.

I was reminded to take note of my therapist's name when I show up this weekend -- Anne. Ok then. :)